A Routine of Change

I remember a saying that goes something like “If you keep doing things the same way, you’ll end up with more of the same.” I’ve probably butchered it, but it’s somewhere in the realm of tactfully explaining redundancy. The point is: I feel as though I’m stuck in a rut because I keep doing things in my life the same way.

I like routine and I hate change. I hate change so much, that I actually have symptoms of extreme anxiety whenever I’m about to do something I’ve never done before. If I’m driving somewhere new, I’ll have memorized all of the directions the night before, and will still have the GPS on the whole way there. Not to mention my stress level being through the roof until I’ve reached there. I fight change with all that I’ve got because I see predictability as dependability.

Sticking within my comfort zone hasn’t paid off for my love life at all. I seem to constantly be whining about how I’ve yet to meet a guy that I feel I can actually connect with, but in reality, it’s my fault. I don’t like going to parties or to clubs, and in a town (and university) as small as mine, sticking with a routine will yield the same results day after day. I can yearn for a handsome stranger to strike up a conversation with me as I’m waiting in line for coffee, but all I’ll get is a shove for holding up the line in my distracted, daydreaming state.

I don’t know why I’m so complacent with my romantic life, when I’m a go-getter for everything else. I’m extremely driven when it comes to my academic and professional career, which makes it quite hypocritical of me to want to sit back, and wait for a man to come find me. I explain it away as being too busy and not wanting to complicate my life with random dates that won’t go anywhere, but really I’m just scared.

I’m afraid of the changes that new relationships bring. I’m afraid of investing time and energy into someone who won’t return it. I’m even afraid of things actually working out and not knowing what to do. And I’m especially afraid that I’m too high-maintenance to ever find anyone who wants to be a part of my life.

Basically I’m a bundle of contradictions and confused feelings.

But no more whining. This year, I’ve vowed to adopt a new routine – a routine of change. No, I’m not going to make a Tinder account. But I’ll work on not being so dismissive of potential flames. I’ll be more open minded and push myself to do things that scare me. Doing what I’ve always done has given me what I’ve always got, so I’ll be shaking things up to find something different.

I’ve (unwillingly) accepted change as my new routine.

– S.

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