Jump Ship

Oh look, another three weeks have passed without a single post. I’ve got no apologies, no excuses, and certainly no new ideas to help me get back in the swing of things.

So what’s the point of sitting down to write this post now? I haven’t a clue.

Over the past few days, I’ve contemplated several different ideas for posts (and obviously scrapped them). I’ve also considered deleting this blog completely and starting over. Or not starting over at all. Lately I’ve been rather apathetic to the whole idea of writing, mostly because I’ve been feeling completely uninspired.

Last summer, I loved doing this. I loved squeezing in time to write before or after work, polishing the posts until I was certain I loved the way it flowed, finding the perfect image to represent it. I could be out running errands or waiting in lines when I’d be struck with an idea that I’d quickly jot down. Before I knew it, I’d have half a post written in the notes of my phone. I was constantly thinking about what else I’d like to write or how I could take better pictures. It didn’t matter how many other responsibilities or stressors I had because I had this one space that was all my own.

I can’t say there’s been a particular moment when that changed. I didn’t suddenly start dreading the idea of writing or feeling pressured to constantly improve. In all honestly I just stopped caring. It’s been difficult for me to even pinpoint the feeling or find where it stems from. I felt disappointed in myself for wanting to give up, but more importantly, confused about how to keep going.

I draw inspiration from life. I observe my relationships with others, how others respond to their own relationships, and about generalizations as a whole. I observe, I feel inspired, I write. So maybe it does make sense that when my life slowed down, I stopped thinking it was something worth observing, and I lost inspiration.

So do I jump ship now or do I keep going?

The best way for me to go forward is to write about what I know best: myself. This began as my online diary, and maybe that’s what I need to start loving writing again. I valued this blog to be a place where I wouldn’t have to worry about censoring myself or filtering my actual thoughts. For some reason, I forgot that and started restricting myself from writing about certain things that I feared would sound petty or shallow once they’d been typed out. I was afraid that the ideas and opinions I’d thought I felt strongly about, wouldn’t be able to hold up to my own scrutiny once I’d examined them a little closer.

So rather than whining about the lack of sources of motivation, I decided to look a little closer to home. In my first post I wrote:

There’s a very good chance this will all be lost in the vastness of the internet, but it feels good to put a little bit of myself out there anyways.”

At the end of the day, that’s what I need to be doing. Putting a little of myself out into the world, even if it risks all sorts of change. I’m not jumping ship, I’m staying aboard.

But I am going to jump ship on this post now before I get too deep in sailing metaphors.

– S.

Image Source: Sean Creamer via Flickr

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