Instincts

Listen to your heart. Go with your gut. Follow your dreams. Blah blah blah, the clichés go on and on. The essential message of all these sayings is to trust your instincts. They imply that deep down, your subconscious knows what’s up, even when your conscious, analytical self doesn’t.

Okay sure, Disney, I’ll go with it. Now if my instincts could be a little clearer, or more descriptive, I’d have an easier time jumping onboard this train of thought.

I like to think that usually I’m quite good with this whole instinct trusting business. I don’t usually second-guess my decisions because I trust that I’ve made the right one for myself. I’ve also had weird coincidences where my instincts seem to be a step ahead of my conscious and I know what’s going to happen even before it does.

It’s incredibly hard to explain without spiralling into a cheap coincidence that probably doesn’t mean much looking back, but truly meant everything at the time. Believe me, I just tried.

I have an incredibly strong sense of awareness, that lets me have a general idea of what might happen next. Maybe it’s because I’m good at reading people. Or maybe because I’ve grown up watching Charmed and fancy myself as Phoebe Halliwell. Basically what I’m trying to say, is that I get hit with these peculiar feelings about people or events that usually prove to be true.

I have good instincts, even if they tend to be a little vague.

For a couple months now, I’ve had this constant, underlying feeling that I’m on the cusp of a big change. Something huge is about to happen to me, something I’ve been waiting for or wanting a long time. Sometimes I’m able to push it to the back of my awareness, but sure enough it comes bounding forward to remind me. There’s a big personal change coming. I just haven’t a clue when, where, or what it is.

The feeling itself is hard to pin down. It’s not inquisitive or wondering, but rather, I think of it as a fact. My heart jumps a little and I feel unshakeably certain that something is going to happen. I’m not afraid, I’m curious. I’m ready.

No matter how sternly my logical side tries to take over, I just can’t talk myself out of it. At first I thought this feeling might be attributed to the huge changes in the lives of all of the people I care about. My sister got married two months ago and she’ll be moving over 1000 km away in just five months. My new brother-in-law has an interview for a great job next month. My other sister is starting her new job and working through her professional exams. My parents just started a massive three year commitment leading our church. My best friend met her boyfriend two months ago. On and on it goes, with nearly every person I’m close to, counting down or coming off of a huge personal event.

I thought, okay, maybe my brain expects something to change in my own life because everyone else has had something happen in theirs. Maybe all of these different changes are going to affect me, as an unavoidable ripple effect. Maybe I’m just sad and hopeful that something exciting is going to happen to me because I really have nothing major going on for like, the next two years.

I don’t know. This whole instincts thing is incredibly vague and annoying when I don’t know what I’m supposed to be expecting or looking for. Even after typing it all out and thinking it through, I still can’t shrug away this strange, lingering feeling.

Perhaps it’s about time things pick up around here.

– S.

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