Hello, yes, it’s me, I still exist. It’s been a short, but also long kind of month where I haven’t been busy, but haven’t exactly had time either. Not sure what that means? Me either. I guess I’ll jump right into the updates and figure out where this terrible feeling of disjointedness is coming from.
I started school again, which isn’t exactly breaking news, as one typically might start school in September. I probably have the greatest schedule of all time, with classes on Friday, clinical on Tuesday and nothing else in between. I’m still working a good four days a week, but I don’t generally mind it. I think I’d be going insane if I had any more free time. I’m not as busy as I’ve been in the years past, but I’ve been feeling just weirdly down this month.
I had my first proper working day at the hospital this week, and it was mind-numbing. This semester, we’re focused on chronic care and the experience of illness, so my placement is on the palliative oncology unit at the hospital. I was off my A-game, and felt like a lost puppy following my nurse around. I was fumbling with collecting vital signs and felt like my head weighed a million pounds.
To be fair, I think I may have been slightly sick, with a low blood sugar. A couple hours into the shift, I broke out into a hot sweat. I took my jacket off and went back to observing, but I kept feeling clammier. I swayed a little and saw a few blue stars decorating my vision and knew I should sit down. I put all of my energy into walking to the nutrition centre, where I eagerly gulped down some ice water. My very stubborn self refused the urge to pass out – I will not be the girl who faints, especially on the first day. I took a break and ate some food, and literally felt like a new person.
After that unpleasant experience, I vowed to get back to my top nursing student form. I helped prep a patient for discharge, tidied up a few rooms for patients who were away, and gathered a second set of vitals. It was only a half-day, so I didn’t have the chance to really prove myself (to myself). I was definitely exhausted and ready to lay down.
I was mostly mad at myself for making the rookie mistake of skipping breakfast and not seeking out more opportunities. Even though this isn’t the area of nursing I want to go into, I still make it a point to be as positive as possible in seeking out learning experiences. I put my 100% into every clinical rotation, because the alternative is being miserable and dragging my feet and that is SO not me. I am not a rain-cloud of a person, and I was honestly pissed at myself for wasting what should’ve been a great day.
Remember kids, breakfast is truly the most important meal of the day.
Other than that, my actual classes have been great. My professors have been incredibly engaging, and I always find myself looking forward to going to campus. I think part of feeling so off-balance has been from being not busy enough. Which is ridiculous because all I wanted this entire summer was a break. But humans are nothing but a contradiction, and I’m no different.
I’m not sure what it is, but every September has me feeling the same type of way. I can clearly remember feeling out of sorts most Septembers in the past, but still, every time this month rolls around I find myself feeling panicked and awkward and alone. Somehow, each year, it still manages to surprise me.
I hate change. I really, really hate change. For me, September has always been synonymous with change. There’s new schedules, new places, new routines and always the same old problem of feeling like a circus animal barely balanced on a beach ball.
So here I am, doing what I always do when the emotions get to be too much, and too confusing: I write.
I’ve also been doing something that is a surefire way to guarantee insanity – I’ve been obsessing over the future. Two weeks into this semester, and I’m already dreading the spring term where I’ll have nothing but a medical/surgical clinical (which I despise) from May to June. I’m stressing about when my next semester’s clinical will be, since I’ll be flying home from Atlanta on the first day of classes in January. I’m freaking out about how to get to and from the Vance Joy concert (which I scored floor seats for) that’s at the end of January. Oh and I’m nervous about graduating and writing the NCLEX, which is in two years.
I like control. It’s a fact that isn’t exactly new, but still obnoxiously demands attention every now and then. But I seriously need to calm the f- down, because there is no way that I can know what’s going to happen months in advance.
So this is my attempt at calming down. Typing out a rambling, barely organized stream of half-complete thoughts to try and clear out my cluttered mind. But hey, you know what?