I’m (Possibly) Back

Welp. It has been a hot minute since I’ve even thought about writing, let alone made it to this site. I genuinely have no excuses or explanations, I’m just a terrible and flakey person.

The last time I sat down and poured my thoughts out, my life was not in a good place. I was emotionally exhausted and trying to recover from a trying few months. I was gearing up to start my last year of school and trying to find the energy to participate in my life. At the time, just the thought of sitting down and delving deeper into my emotions than I already was could make my stomach turn.

I was all talked out. Life sucked, and I was ready to move forward.

The past six months have been pretty good. I savoured my time at school, knowing this current semester would be all clinical placements, so I took in the details of the university. I looked out at the courtyards with the beautiful fall colours, I sat outside in my favourite spot under a bright yellow umbrella, and I even (kind of) enjoyed the long trek from my car to my lecture hall. I’m really going to miss being a student. I always felt a certain awe sitting in classes, attempting to pay attention to the professor droning on. I couldn’t believe this was my life. I couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to be attending classes on a beautiul campus, receiving an education, and being surrounded by so many intelligent people. I felt grateful and appreciative of the events in my life that transpired to get me here.

Last March, I ranked certain placement areas for my current semester, for where I would want to consolidate my skills as a student nurse. I applied for a competitive position and even got called in for an interview. I wanted it more than anything I can remember wanting for a while. I studied the entire weekend before my interview, tried on far too many outfits and even practiced in the mirror.

It turned out, the placement was promised to another student two months ago, and my interview was strictly for maintaining the appearance of a fair and equal opportunity system. Needless to say, I was completely devastated. I worked hard. I’m a good freaking person. I recycle, donate to charity, and wave to neighbours. How could I be denied the one and only thing I’ve wanted in years?

A couple weeks after that whole mess I got an email with a different position at a different agency. I accepted, mostly because I was terrified I wouldn’t find anything else and not be able to graduate on time. It was the biggest blessing in disguise. I’ve done six weeks with this agency and I couldn’t be more pleased. Everyone I’ve interacted with is so kind and welcoming and I’ve even made a couple new friends. I remember driving to work one busy morning, looking over the bridge at the sunrise over the lake and smiling like an actual insane person, hardly believing I ended up here.

Flash forward to today where I’m in a much different mood. Maybe it’s my impending entry into the real world (seven more weeks until I’m no longer a student, ah!), or the uncertainty of what my next step is, but I feel like a mess. The last week has been full of self-doubt, self-imposed isolation, and a ton of self-loathing  topping it off.

Which is what brings me here. I don’t know that I’ll consistently keep writing, but I need to tonight.

I guess this was a booty call?

– S.

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