Context: I keep my circle of friends very small. It’s hard for me to let people in, but when I do, I give them all of me. They see everything; the good, the bad and downright ugly. They’re not just my friends, but extensions of my family.
Last month, my best friend and I had a falling out. I repeatedly tried to repair our friendship but she just wasn’t interested. When my attempts to understand her perspective, apologize and work things out went pretty much ignored, I took the hint and backed off.
But I still have so much to say.
If I knew she was really listening, if she was really going to try to understand, here’s what I would say:
“Hey. I thought I really was done, but I can’t be until I’ve said this final piece.
Regardless of how busy life had gotten lately (for both of us), I never turned my back and abandoned our friendship the way you did. I made multiple attempts to connect and make things better and get back to being us, but they went unacknowledged. You may have responded, but you didn’t pay attention to what I was saying. You became so set in your assumptions that you weren’t willing to consider a different side.
I wanted to do better. I apologized for not being better before. I explained where I was coming from. And you didn’t care. What’s worse is that you lacked the respect and maturity to tell me something was wrong in the first place. You left me to figure it out on my own. And then you left me trying to put the pieces together when you were already gone. Why did you pretend like you wanted to try when that was never your intention? Why did you never follow through?
I just couldn’t win with you. You complained that I put no effort in but you never LET me put the effort in. How was I supposed to get to know your boyfriend better when you didn’t want me around him in the first place? You thought it would be awkward and kept me away, and then you complained that I didn’t try. You froze me out and claimed that you were afraid I would judge.
Your assumptions ruined our friendship.
But despite it all, and how truly terribly you treated me at the end, I don’t wish any negativity for you.
I want you to be happy and get the most out of life. That’s all I ever wanted for you. I was content supporting whatever dream you were currently chasing as long as you were happy and could be the best version of yourself. I don’t know why you didn’t believe me.
I hope that one day you’re able to confront your emotions and be honest with yourself. I hope you get over repressing your resentment until it erupts one day, mutated into something awful that rips you away from the people you love. Or rather, loved.
And one more thing. I won’t let this, or let you, keep me from being as honest as I am. I have opinions. I have strong viewpoints. I have instincts. And when asked about them I will be happy to share kindly and respectfully, just as I’ve always done. Unlike you, I’m comfortable with my beliefs and convictions. I’m able to discuss them, allowing them to evolve and help me grow as a person. I will not let your reaction and the way you treated me keep me from being who I’ve always been.
I’ll always remember you.